The IllCon Guide To Corporate Instructional Rap Videos!
Ive recently become obsessed with the now extinct genre of instructional rap videos from the 80s. Ive been playing most of my findings on our podcast (which is live TONIGHT @ 10pm Pacific on FCCFREERADIO btw). The perfect combination of coked out CEOs making bad decisions and Reagan era crypto-racism (HEY OUR EMPLOYEES ARE POOR "URBAN" KIDS! LETS SPEAK TO THEM ON THEIR LEVEL!). Here now I present to you my very favorites.
5. RTD Maintenance Department
Great example of "the man" trying to get on "our level" and speak "our language" through the power of "the music of the streets." I know if I was an employee of the Los Angeles Rapid Transit Department in the 80s I would be nothing less than inspired to wake each morning and proudly crank on those buses after watching this inspiring video. Score: 6.8
4. Selling is Service
Nope. Nothing weird or awkward about these white people rapping here. Great work guys, lets put it out. 5.4
3. Pier One Imports LETS COACHING
The most modern out of all our videos presented today. Detailing the process known as "Lets Coaching" from the geniuses ar Pier One Imports. "Lets Coaching" (Lets engage the customers! Lets make a sale!) is kind of perfect in the way it illustrates everything wrong with corporate upper management bullshit language. The awkward terminology, the emotional exploitation of their customers, the straight up lying they teach to their poor clerks. Its all there. 9.7
2. Wendys COLD DRINKS
Wendys are the KINGS (queens?) of instructional rap videos as you will soon see.
Im not even going to lie. This song is fucking tight. Based around an 8 measure New Jack Swing loop Teddy Riley himself would be proud of. Reminiscent of TLCs earlier work or later DeeDee Ramone, this heartfelt lesson on how to serve cold drinks is sure to give any Wendys employee the gusto needed to make the customer happy! Score: 8.5
Im not even going to lie. This song is fucking tight. Based around an 8 measure New Jack Swing loop Teddy Riley himself would be proud of. Reminiscent of TLCs earlier work or later DeeDee Ramone, this heartfelt lesson on how to serve cold drinks is sure to give any Wendys employee the gusto needed to make the customer happy! Score: 8.5
1. Wendys Burger Rap
The classic track that made a generation learn how to love again. Not patronizing at all, this lesson on how to make a fuckin burger has gone down in history as the premiere instructional rap video. These hamburger ladies are literal throbbing gristle. Singing gristle even! Also: doesnt feature any embarrassing white people rapping. Score: 10.0
Very Very Very Honorable Mention goes to this very incredible track released by KFC in 1987 credited to "Colonel and the Gang" on flexidisc (yes!) teaches the importance of making Chicken Littles and Shoestring fries properly, complete with references to "golden showers." If there was a video it would be number 1.
Listen to the most magical song about chicken ever recorded here.
Chicken littles are back btw. They are snackalicious.
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